Red Velvet Panic; A Southern Crisis
It’s official: the government has found more artificial coloring in our beloved Southern Red Velvet Cake than in the entire soprano section of the Methodist church choir.
Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy has vowed to rid American food of toxic ingredients, which is noble, but it seems Southerners may have to adapt more than most, starting with our cherished Red Velvet Cake.
Turns out, our shortcut version of the cake is loaded with harmful red dye. Who knew? The quick method of using bright, bottled dye instead of the traditional cocoa powder, vinegar, and buttermilk combo is faster and gives a flashier result. It’s how we’ve rolled for years. Some folks have even sped things up further with a box mix (or so I’ve heard).
On Independence Day, I proudly baked a cake that, when sliced, revealed a perfect American flag. It took real math skills to get it just right, and yes, I used dye for the red velvet stripes and even more dye for the patriotic blue. It was one of my finest culinary moments. No one died from the dye. That I know of.
If red dye gets banned, we’ll also have to rethink the legendary armadillo groom’s cake, made famous in the Southern classic, Steel Magnolias. Sure, the cocoa powder version produces a deeper, more natural red, but the easier recipe that uses high-octane food dye brings out a vivid red along with squeals of delight when cut. If the armadillo cake doesn’t turn your tongue red it means six weeks of bad luck for the bride and groom. We can’t have that kind of sorrow on a wedding day.
The traditional, dye-free version of Red Velvet Cake must be tricky, because I can’t find an original recipe in any of my cookbooks. Sure, I could search online, but I prefer recipes from the church, Junior League, or Garden Club cookbooks. It’s comforting to know the denomination of your food. The best old cookbooks even include the contributors’ names for authenticity — or at least their husbands’. Mrs. Earnest J. Hopperville’s hummingbird cake is legendary, and Mrs. John David Lockheart’s Jiffy Salad is divine. The secret is lime Jell-O. Oh mercy daisy, could our Jell-O recipes be next on the health police’s hit list?
Dye-free recipes get technical fast, throwing around words like “alkalized” and “non-alkalized.” All we want to do is lick the spoon and swipe our fingers through the icing.
The culinary scientists have reminded us we can use beets to produce a beautiful red velvet cake, but when does it stop being cake and start being a vegetable? And that begs the next obvious question, “Who in their right mind wants a beet cake?”
I tremble at the thought that this crackdown on red dye might spread to our beloved barbecue sauces, casseroles, and saucy, spicy, sausage-y tailgate foods. Rumor has it that fat, sugar, and sodium may be next on the endangered list. At least we still have butter. Right?
This story first appeared in Lagniappe News, the only investigative and entertaining print Newspaper in Baldwin and Mobile Alabama Counties.
Say it isn’t so, Leslie Anne! What is next…the maraschino cherries in pineapple upside down cake? And what if RKF wants to mess with my natural blonde hair? Things will get ugly fast! Now to top it all off, tonight I read there is arsenic and cadmium in our rice. Rice! It is a major food group at this house.
Well my dear friend Roxanne, aren’t you a little ray of sunshine! Hahaha! Oh dear! I’m a big health nut – with exceptions for fried chicken and biscuts, but cherries in the pineapple upside down cake? I didn’t even think of that, and it’s one of my specialties. I guess I thought they were naturally red. I’ll sink into total pouting now. Cheers to your health! (and dazzling blonde hair).
I have made a red velvet cake without the food coloring. It tastes the same, but is ugly. Red Velvet Cake is my specialty. What shall we do? I am with Roxanne, if RFK messes with my hair color, this will be serious!
I’ve seen “natural” red velvet and it’s more of a rusty look. Mmm. Rust cake.
Guess there will be a red dye shortage if you all start buying up all the red dye to stash away! Does it go bad? I hope you have a wonderful weekend, Leslie Anne.
Now there’s a quick thinker! – happy weekend to you as well!
Love your Independence Day cake! Looks straight out of a magazine. Also I know it was only featured in your email and not on this post, but your BLT painting is fabulous! If I had a store and we sold BLTs, I’d be making you an offer today.
Ha! Thanks Matt. (See everyone? Go to the top of the page and click to subscribe to the newsletter, and you too can be dazzled by my poor attempts at painting!) I think you may have a career in the BLT restaurant business – but not as an art critic! I’ll keep practicing! Happy weekend to you and B.