Rest in peace, Dirty Santa
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Can we please agree to put an end to the overly dramatic, overdone game of Dirty Santa? Years, maybe even decades ago, my large extended family played the simple “White Elephant” game. There was nothing dirty about the jolly old elf, and the first time I heard someone use that slanderous terminology, I spewed eggnog across the parlor. I was certain they’d end up on the naughty list for the rest of their pitiful lives.
Our family swapped thoughtful gifts, and we’d never call exchanging a present “stealing.” There’s a commandment against that sort of thing, and we didn’t want the children believing burglary was fun, festive, or profitable in any way.
Dirty Santa, however, has a peculiar way of stretching an hour-and-a-half-long office party into a four-hour marathon during the busiest time of the year. Everyone glances at their watch as Betty Sue from IT agonizes over whether to choose the green Grinch gift bag or the one she thinks smells like a Hickory Farms basket. “Humm… I just can’t decide,” she says, while we quietly hum, “All is merry and bright, and I’m going to choke Betty Sue tonight.”
And then there’s the inevitable heartbreak: the person who truly believed their hand-crocheted poncho was the most beautiful gift ever made, but then sees it become the punchline of the evening. “It’s just like the one my grandmother was wearing when she kicked the bucket!” yells the guy who eats at his desk. The poor soul who spent hours stitching it suddenly longs to go home to her nonjudgmental cats.
If you’re in a book club, Bible study, neighborhood association, teen baton-twirling troupe, yacht club, mahjong gang, bocce ball league, or work in any office with more than four people, someone will insist on playing Dirty Santa. Even if the limit is only $25 per gift, you could end up like Rachel, who, along with her children, belonged to so many groups she spent more than $400—“on stupid ‘crud’ people don’t want or need.”
Dirty Santa has become the unimaginative default for brain-dead Americans who don’t know the proper way to entertain. I know some of you adore making Santa sound dirty, greedy, dishonest, and rude, but the rest of us on the nice list have had enough.
Here’s the hard question to ask ourselves: Is this really what Baby Jesus wants at His birthday celebration? I truly tell you, I witnessed someone unwrap slinky undies that said “Ho Ho Ho” at a church Dirty Santa party. Footnote: I’m no longer at that church, but I kept the unmentionables (just kidding, Mom!)
If we must mix goodwill, peace on earth, love, and joy into the season, why not revive something meaningful like Christmas caroling? Nursing homes would weep from excitement if someone came to sing to them. Or organize a funny office talent show. The Left-Right gift game is fun, as are ornament exchanges, popcorn stringing, cookie swaps, decorating the house of an older neighbor—the list of good-elf-approved activities goes on and on.
Santa loves joyful occasions. He’s downright heartbroken when someone is unhappy at the holidays. So maybe, just maybe, we can revive Good Santa and let Dirty Santa rest in peace. From the bottom of my heart, Ho-Ho-Ho.
*You can read this story and more fascinating things at: Lagniappe News, Mobile, Alabama.
I am with you! No Dirty Santa!
That’s because you’re a good elf!
I never grasped the concept of Dirty Santa. We did the white elephant thing a couple years, but stopped because half the people didn’t follow the rules with the spending limit. I totally agree with you on the many good ways groups can bring joy to others around them. So, I vote to reviving Good Santa and let Dirty Santa get run over by the reindeer instead of Grandma. Happy December, Leslie Ann!
Oh yes!And that reindeer song! oh boy!!! Merry Christmas Robin!