The slaughter of innocent unicorns

April 20, 2017


I swannee! What is the deal with Starbuck’s Unicorn Frappuccino?  It’s the hottest thing around and is causing more buzz than Cheech and Chong.  Supposedly, you are able to taste a different flavor every time you slurp on the straw.

But hold your horses – or unicorns! I consider it my civic duty to warn you that the medium sized 16oz Grande is loaded with 410 calories and a whopping 59 grams of sugar! 59!!! And the main reason we go to Starbucks is for an infusion of delicious, precious, beautiful caffeine . . . but alas, unicorns don’t contain caffeine. Who knew?


When I was in college, a really bossy girl got permission to paint a mural in the dorm. However, instead of painting it on her floor, she came down to my floor and painted something very much like the above photo right in front of my door! I was like, “Gag me with a spoon!” It was totally tacky and I just about barfed. “Grody to the max!” we all cried. She was offended that none of us on the 1st floor loved her unicorn and said we were lame because it was a pegasus, not a unicorn.


I think she grew up to have children who dressed up like Harry Potter and got scholarships for playing Dungeon and Dragons (not that there’s anything wrong with that in case you have twins named Harry and Hermione and your dog is Voldemort).


I thought unicorns were supposed to be magical. If it were true, then this drink would be calorie free, sugar free, full of vitamins, and loaded with caffeine. Or wine. Oh, and it would make your tongue look like you licked glitter off the table. That would be awesome.


I don’t think I’ll try one, and besides, we don’t even have a Starbucks in Fairhope (another reason for people NOT to move here – wink).  But I do applaud the marketing genius who created the unicorn drink. Brilliant.
OH NO! Now they’re grinding up the little guys to put in cakes! When will the madness stop? May the sweet, innocent unicorns rest in peace. Bless their purplish hearts.


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