5 Wedding Dress Tips

April 17, 2013


Today, this is for me. I’m so ashamed.

I know what I’m about to say will offend half the population of the universe, but I can’t seem to stop myself. If you are easily offended, then please, I beg you to stop reading now! It’s bad enough that The Ladies Auxiliary of the First Self Righteous Church of Fairhope won’t speak to me next Sunday because three of their daughters got married this past year and they all wore “the uniform.”

But here it goes. . .

Dear Brides,
Enough with the strapless dresses!

Since 2004, every single bride that has walked down the aisle has worn a strapless dress. And I know, if you were one of them, I’m sure you were the one in a thousand that looked fabulous.  You probably lifted weights for three years straight, were under the age of 25, and didn’t go around all night tugging at the top. You were the perfectly perfect bride without straps. Of course you were.

But for all the others who are considering this path to free your upper arms, please consider these five points . . .

The Bride of all brides.

1. Be original, Be unique. This is a big day in your life. Do you really want to follow the crowd and look like every other girl?  You think your dress is different because it has a bow in back and the others had buttons, but in photos, they all look the same.

2. Do you want to be the focus of attention, or do you want your bosoms to steal the show? Last month, a bride tried to give me a hug, but couldn’t raise her arms for fear of revealing her “maids of honor.”
She looked like a satin-covered tyrannosaurus rex with little bitty short arms, trying to knock back champagne while keeping her elbows at her waist. The highlight of the night was watching her try to throw the bouquet.  Mercy.

Scarlett’s dress was not only appropriate, but it was practical too.
She was able to hide the
family silver from the Yankees in those sleeves!

3. Your photo in the Daily Doodle society section will just look like you are naked as a jay-bird. Last week, four brides were featured, and they all appeared to be wearing nothing but a towel. Three wore pearls, one did not (rebel).

“Oh Jack, you are the perfect husband!”
“Oh Jackie, you have the perfect dress!”

4. Many churches will require you to cover your shoulders anyway.  Isn’t this a big enough hint from “You Know Who?”

5. The most beautiful brides in the history of the world, Princess Diana, Jacqueline Kennedy and Scarlett O’Hara wore dresses with sleeves, and see how happy their marriages turned out?

Well . . . okay, you’ve got me there.

And if you are over 18 years old, keep scrolling down for one more extra reason not to wear strapless . . .

You might catch a cold and ruin the honeymoon.
My apologies again to The Ladies Auxiliary. Someone had to say it.
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