5 Wedding Dress Tips

April 17, 2013

57  comments

Today, this is for me. I’m so ashamed.

I know what I’m about to say will offend half the population of the universe, but I can’t seem to stop myself. If you are easily offended, then please, I beg you to stop reading now! It’s bad enough that The Ladies Auxiliary of the First Self Righteous Church of Fairhope won’t speak to me next Sunday because three of their daughters got married this past year and they all wore “the uniform.”

But here it goes. . .

Dear Brides,
Enough with the strapless dresses!

Since 2004, every single bride that has walked down the aisle has worn a strapless dress. And I know, if you were one of them, I’m sure you were the one in a thousand that looked fabulous.  You probably lifted weights for three years straight, were under the age of 25, and didn’t go around all night tugging at the top. You were the perfectly perfect bride without straps. Of course you were.

But for all the others who are considering this path to free your upper arms, please consider these five points . . .

The Bride of all brides.

1. Be original, Be unique. This is a big day in your life. Do you really want to follow the crowd and look like every other girl?  You think your dress is different because it has a bow in back and the others had buttons, but in photos, they all look the same.

2. Do you want to be the focus of attention, or do you want your bosoms to steal the show? Last month, a bride tried to give me a hug, but couldn’t raise her arms for fear of revealing her “maids of honor.”
She looked like a satin-covered tyrannosaurus rex with little bitty short arms, trying to knock back champagne while keeping her elbows at her waist. The highlight of the night was watching her try to throw the bouquet.  Mercy.

Scarlett’s dress was not only appropriate, but it was practical too.
She was able to hide the
family silver from the Yankees in those sleeves!

3. Your photo in the Daily Doodle society section will just look like you are naked as a jay-bird. Last week, four brides were featured, and they all appeared to be wearing nothing but a towel. Three wore pearls, one did not (rebel).

“Oh Jack, you are the perfect husband!”
“Oh Jackie, you have the perfect dress!”

4. Many churches will require you to cover your shoulders anyway.  Isn’t this a big enough hint from “You Know Who?”

5. The most beautiful brides in the history of the world, Princess Diana, Jacqueline Kennedy and Scarlett O’Hara wore dresses with sleeves, and see how happy their marriages turned out?

Well . . . okay, you’ve got me there.

And if you are over 18 years old, keep scrolling down for one more extra reason not to wear strapless . . .

You might catch a cold and ruin the honeymoon.
My apologies again to The Ladies Auxiliary. Someone had to say it.

Leave a Reply

  1. So funny! I have to admit I just got married in Oct and I am guilty of wearing a strapless gown, BUT I have VERY good reasons for it.

    1. It was my third wedding therefore my third dress and the first two dresses had sleeves – one puffy eighties ones and one a halter. So strapless was Unique for me.
    2. It was a designer gown that I snared for 1/4 of the cost at a boutique in Charleston.
    3. I was a 47 year old “bride” so anything I did was going to be unique to me. And being this old you do whatever you want – damn the lady’s auxiliary! 🙂

  2. Oh please tell me its’ not so. Where was her Momma when she picked out that dress?
    Hilarious !
    Your blogs make my day.
    A. Pat

  3. You always have the most interesting and funny perspective! Just thinking of the bride with her elbows glued to her sides makes me laugh. Bless her heart.

  4. LOL! You’re just too funny! what a story and surely…surely that last snap is not of a ‘real’ bride! Oh, my Lord!
    You know what, I totally agree with you. I have seen some beautiful brides in the strapless gowns. But I don’t think they look appropriate either. I think of virginal when the bride is in a white gown (I know these days that a white gown doesn’t mean the bride is a virgin). But you see just anybody being married in white these days…2, 3 or more times married. The color white has been disrespected I think. And…on and on I go…the strapless gown looks less virginal too. Just a little too sexy looking for a supposedly blushing bride. Okay, you’ve heard enough of my rambling. But honey, I’m on the same page with you.
    I wanted to thank you for popping into Cindy’s to see my home tour. I was so honored she asked me.
    Be a sweetie,
    Shelia 😉

  5. I laughed so hard the tears ran down my legs! Ha! I really hope that last picture was photo-shopped, or that poor girl will never live it down.

    One thing you didn’t mention about strapless dresses. I despise the back view where the fat bulges out around the back. Soooo not attractive!

    Thank you for sharing it at to What We Accomplished Wednesdays. Have a lovely week!

    Hugs,
    Deborah

  6. I rant about strapless bridal dresses every Sunday when I read the newspaper. You are absolutely spot on. The brides all look alike. Few can pull the look off. Leave some mystery about those bosoms for goodness sake. You are my hero, Olive

    p.s. The Church Ladies likely feel the same but are scared to say it.

  7. I thought I’d seen everything! Obviously, not. Let me see if I can get past that last photo.

    I think Jacqueline Kennedy’s wedding gown is the most beautiful gown ever. I wish you’d also had a picture of Caroline’s. I remember it so well and how sweet and feminine it was. And none of the groomsmen in that wore tuxedos, all those wonderful baggy summer weight flannel suits that look so nice and plain but cost the earth.

    I honestly have never had an opinion either way about strapless wedding dresses. –except for your last photo– I guess each bride deserves to have the dress she dreams of. Let’s just hope that not many of them will give us nightmares the way your last photo did.

  8. I so agree with you. When my beautiful daughter was married 8 years ago, I told her she could do whatever she wanted. I only had one stipulation ~ absolutely no strapless dress. I’m happy to say she agreed.

  9. As a photographer I add a resounding “Yes and amen!” to your post. Even the thinnest of women do not photograph well in strapless gowns. I enjoyed the post and was tickled to find you through Paula’s No Rules blog party…in real life we’re practically neighbors. I live just outside of Pensacola 🙂

  10. Well said. We need someone to set some standards in this crazy world. That last picture is awful. Her bosoms look like watermelons right about a southern 4th of July!

  11. Hee, hee! I can laugh now – my daughter has bought her dress – and it’s not strapless! Yay! However she’s a bridesmaid this summer, in a very yellow dress – strapless AND ridiculously SHORT!

    Was it you who posted the picture of a row of bridesmaids seated in church and seen from behind, seemingly naked? Still laughing.

  12. I too loved Caroline Kennedy’s wedding dress….
    Seven years ago my daughter’s dress was quite theatrical… but not strapless thank heavens. She and her groom looked fabulous. (I was astounded that she didn’t wear jeans and depart in a canoe…)

  13. I really loved Kate Middleton’s wedding gown. It was feminine and appropriate and she looked beautiful. I wish more women would follow her dignified style.

    Big Hugs,
    Susan and Bentley

  14. I couldn’t agree more! I have thought this too, and why strapless has been in style so long is beyond me! It looks good on no one! And in portrait photos you look naked!

  15. I almost fell off my chair when I scrolled down to that last photo~ Back in 1979, I had long sheer sleeves & a high neckline. (that marriage didn’t work, but I don’t think it was the dress)
    the Strapless dress just isn’t as flattering as so many Brides think. [my fingers are crossed that when my daughter gets married, hers has straps!]
    Have a wonderful weekend,
    Cheryl
    zany-mayd.blogspot.com

  16. Hahaha! I came over here from Mockinbird Cottage’s page and had to comment. I just bought my wedding dress last week (getting married in June!) and am happy to say it is a halter top. I can’t stand strapless! Love your humor!

  17. This is hilarious!! Being from the south and not far form you, I got a chuckle at the The Ladies Auxiliary discussion! I agree wholeheartedly. I was so pleased to see my nieces choice in a wedding gown. It was tasteful and elegant…and had straps. She enjoyed her day without fear of showing her “maids of honor”! Please tell me that you weren’t a guest at the wedding in the last picture! Surely no Southern Belle would go that far!
    Blessings from Still Woods Farmhouse

  18. I also loved Caroline Kennedy’s wedding dress. I don’t care for the strapless dresses and hope that the style changes soon. Seems like it’s been around forever now.

  19. love this! I had a one strap wedding dress and have zero regrets!! It stayed up, the ladies stayed in, and it was absolutely no fuss! Great advice 🙂

  20. AMEN! I call them ‘topless’ dresses – LOL! I can’t stand them! I will have to tell you that there have been a few brides that didn’t wear ‘topless’ (or strapless 🙂 because I’ve made a few for brides that were not strapless!
    Thanks for saying it – I wish everyone in this nation would read it!

  21. This is hilarious but true. As a seamstress I always tell people don’t go strapless! I even altered wedding gowns for a season or two. When I made formals for my daughter – I added straps to a strapless pattern. We even added straps to dresses we purchased strapless! It’s just not comfortable or attractive to go around pulling up the top of your dress all evening! I don’t think I’ve EVER owned a strapless dress. Here’s a great example http://lifebeginsatfortysomething.blogspot.com/2012/04/prom-dress-reveal-finally.html

  22. I don’t know what it is….. recently I’ve enjoyed looking at wedding gowns. I wore strapless, with a little jacket at my wedding 33 years ago. It was so plain my DAD suggested I wear a veil. Yes, those Kennedy gals were all stylish and looked lovely. I also really liked Kate’s dress. I couldn’t believe the last pic you shared. C’mon, are you pulling our leg(s). The dress is actually quite pretty but overshadowed, literally, by the twins. I had to show my husband and we had a nice chuckle.

  23. Hi just popping in from the UK and had to congratulate you for saying what many of us are thinking. It’s a struggle to get wedding dresses that have sleeves these days. I know when I went shopping for mine, the bridal shops couldn’t wait to tie me into a corset which I hated, so it’s not always the girls fault if they are under the duress of a pushy sales assistant telling them it’s just the thing.

    BTW – did anyone catch Jordan’s latest wedding snaps in the caribbean?? She was flashing her nips to the whole world too!

  24. those strapless dresses look like big slips from the 60’s. I think they do such a disservice to every bride. No matter what. They are silly.

    Thank you for saying it. I just wish your blog was on the TV show Say Yes to the dress.

  25. Amen! So glad to see there’s others out there who recognize how awful this looks…on most anyway 🙂 That last pic OMG, there’s no words! LOL

    I think you should consider a part 2 to this. Namely, the celebrities who do same thing at award shows. They always remind me money can’t buy taste.

  26. You are so spot on with this post! When shopping for a dress with my daughter we couldn’t find anything that wasn’t strapless. She had one modified and added some simple lace sleeves. It was so her.

    Thanks for daring to share your thoughts on this. I agree 100% and hope the trend soon changes.

    Lynn

  27. Unless you are rail thin the strapless are just not attractive and even then….not! I read the Sunday morning wedding section in the paper and say the same thing you have every time. Can’t believe they have been in style so long. Fabulous and so Funny post….loved it and can’t wait to return and read more post. xo

  28. I came over from Kim’s (Savvy Southern Style)- you just me gave a great start to my day. I’ve never understood the appeal of strapless dresses that require constant tugging. Or saggy pants for the same reason. Too much cleavage on either end. I keep looking at that last picture, kind of like slowing down to look at a car accident- you don’t really like to see pain & suffering, but you can’t quite help yourself.

  29. I’m laughing and squirming w/ embarrassment for her! I love the neckline/sleeves on Jackie’s dress, but she hated the dress (her mother & JFK’s father chose it for her – she had no say). I love Kate Middleton’s dress – it’s almost an exact copy of my own 1973 design. And lovely Grace Kelly’s dress is a classic beauty designed by studio designer Helen Rose.

  30. That is hilarious! And I so agree with you. There are very very few girls that strapless even looks good on. It certainly takes a body type to pull it off and I’ve been to too many weddings where the bride looked horrible in her dress from the waist up. Sad thing is that I don’t think a lot of your girls know that this is a fad and there are actually dresses that would look better on them.

  31. I have been saying these same things for years. The bride spends her entire special day clinging to the top of her dress and constantly pulling it up. And since so many wedding pictures are from the back , the rolls of fat hanging over are not a pretty sight. One other distraction is when the bride doesn’t have much “on top” so the strapless gown sits like a stationary shelf attached to their rib cage…really not cute. The bride or bridesmades turn and the dress stays in the same place.

  32. I do music for weddings, so yep, I see a lotta’ hoss flesh……..
    gag…….
    Thank you for pointing it out to these folks!

  33. Found you through preppy empty nester….as soon as I saw the title of this post I was saying a prayer that someone would finally say it…the strapless gown is definitely not for all and ready for retirement…the last wedding I saw in photos had the bride playing tug-o-war with her dress…so done with the overused strapless wedding dress.

  34. I tired of the sleeveless dresses LONG ago . . . . but I’ve never been one to go along with everybody else. And, as you know, not everybody is suited for sleeveless, and they wear them anyway! *and look simply dreadful . . . thank you for posting this topic!

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