*I wrote this several years ago, but #11 came up this past weekend when a Northern friend asked, “Is there a window open? I feel a cool breeze.” “It’s the air-conditioner we all told her.” Since there was a fire crackling in the fireplace, the AC had to be on. It’s the Southern way.
Here’s what I’ve heard in town the past month. Several of these Southern Christmas sayings are the same as last year, because some things never change, and others are new. And as always, you know who you are . . .
1. “Every time I hear “Silver Bells” it makes me miss Gayfers’ old Bell Ringer sales!”
2. “Did you hear? Anna Jean fell out of her neighbor’s tree stealin’ magnolia leaves again. But honey, her wreaths look fabulous!”
3. “Run up in the attic and fetch Granddaddy’s old Mardi Gras vest. It’ll be perfect for your Wise Man costume.”
4. “If you don’t shape up, Santa’s going to bring you switches – or Southern Mississippi football tickets!”
5. “I’m fixin’ to pick up some Captain Morgan’s for Nana’s fruitcakes. You know she can’t do it herself on account of being Baptist and all.”
6. “Run out back and help your Daddy load Old Jake on the trailer to carry him over to the Live Nativity.”
7.“Aunt Dora Rae’s on the phone. She wants to know what kind of Cokes you want her to bring to the party.
8. “I had my stockings monogramed to match my tree skirt, and the tree skirt monogramed to match my apron, and then, they monogramed the dog’s bed for free! It really is the most wonderful time of the year!”
9. “You boys make yourselves useful and go shoot me down some mistletoe!”
10. “Bless her heart. She ran out of Krylon and now her door swag will be all cattywampus.”
11. “I’m wearing my new sweater dress to the party, so I hope they have the AC cranked, or I’ll just melt!”
12. “Sarah Beth, where is the Santa hair bow we bought at the Junior League Mistletoe Market? – Not the sparkly green one or the one with jingle bells or the one with snowflakes or the one with . . .”
13. “Let me look in my pocketbook and make sure I’ve got my Lottie Moon envelope for the offering plate.”
14. “We’re simplifying things this year and only puttin’ up one tree in the family room, two in the dining room, one in the kitchen, one in the bedroom and a small pink tree in the powder room. Oh yeah, and the kid’s have their trees in their rooms, but that’s all. Nice and simple.”
15. “Darlin’, can I borrow your Grandma’s punch bowl for the egg nog? I’m going to put the sherbet punch in mine.”
16. “Mama, what’s snow?”
17. “I’m glad they finally sang the Hallelujah chorus. I needed to stretch my legs.”
18. “I have Lenox Holiday, but my sister has the Spode Christmas Tree. I swannee, it’s like we came from different parents!”
19. “I still need to polish the gumbo spoons and shuck the oysters for Christmas Eve.”
And last, but not least . . .
20. “When in doubt, spray paint it, fry it, or stick a bow on it!”